Deep River Woman
I love rivers. Actually I love all bodies of water, but rivers are very special. The Severn and the Susquehanna are all rivers in the journeys of my life. Following them, crossing them and diving into them. Taking the waters and moving with them and finding wisdom and peace as I interact with them.
I’m just back from Aksasha Con sponsored by The Dreaming Goddess in Poughkeepsie, NY [www.dreaminggoddess.com], a wonderful conference that shifted time and transformed me. I’ll talk about that over the next couple of weeks, and drop some names, a fun thing to do. More importantly, I’ll talk about how the magic of that gathering created an alchemy and fired transformation. But first I want to talk about the Akasha Con opening ritual in 2004 and my connection to the Hudson River. Flow with me as I tell the story.
Several years ago I was with a man who was damaged and our relationship, which included a lengthy attempt by me to end it, was difficult, stormy, and painful. He died very suddenly, a young and fit man. Long story that included my dance with Sekhmet if you see an earlier blog entry. When he was alive he was difficult and so was his death.
I met his parents for the first time after his death when I went to their place near the Hudson River, about 3.5 hours from where I live. I went alone even though they told me I could bring a friend because, as I said, I was in the relationship alone. Unsupported by my friends, the relationship was a lonely one because even he wasn’t in it. So I met his parents and it was clear that their disappointment and grief over their son extended to me. They were a family that prized fitness and my tall, round body was a disappointment. I had none of the grace or athleticism they expected their son to be in love with, another reason to be disappointed in him. That coupled with their bewilderment over losing a second child– a difficult one– at an early age made for a very strange and awkward visit.
They took me out in their boat. We motored into the Hudson River where the water was deep and gently flowing. Alone, I jumped into the water, feeling the shock of the mildly cold water take my breath away. I couldn’t hear them and for some reason, my inner critical voice was silenced in the presence of this large, primal river. The river held me and rocked me and I moved slowly through the water feeling the vastness of the Universe envelope my body and rush over my skin. It was comforting, sensual and calming. I realized then and there that the Universe was too large and too vast for my resentments and sense of betrayal. I deserved to feel that way and I felt that my feelings were acknowledged and honored, but I also knew that clinging to them was petty and not right for someone who wanted to dance in the ecstacy of the Universe.
So there in the middle of the river, surrounded by banks of lush old trees, I asked the Universe to help me. I gave over me feelings and asked for peace. Then I could hear the harmony singing in the quiet river. I recognized that they were doing the best they could as they struggled and so was I. I understood forgiveness and I asked the River to help me find forgiveness in me for him. The River and the Universe answered my prayer over the next long months.
That was in 1998 and in 2004, I went back to that area. Poughkeepsie is only 11 miles away. The opening ritual was fabulous and was aimed at honoring their River, the Hudson. So I was able to stand at the altar and express my silent, vast gratitude for the River. The Deep River flows inside me as I sing its song as best I can. For that understanding and magic, I thank the Ancient Ones Above and of the Waters for their wisdom and live.
May you find your own deep power.